All valid points, but there are a lot of black guys that like white women. I can’t explain ,I am a white guy. Me personally I am attracted to black women because I have always been surrounded by white chics. But that works both ways. Some people develop there “type” based on what they are around growing up. While others want the complete opposite of what they have seen while growing up.

Yeah. We’re all human beings and wired differently. I just think it’s damn absurd to suggest something is “wrong” with someone just because they are attracted to someone “outside the race”. I’m beginning to think people actually enjoy complicating their lives.

I think I enjoy your blog most when you tackle sensitive race issues that people don’t like to talk about. How about a post on the stereotypical angry/proud black dragon woman? I.E. Naymund’s mom in season 4 of the greatest show ever. I seem to have a knack for encountering these types in St. Louis. And they pretty much always own me.

Thanks Hagana. I’ll see if I can bring it up somehow, without phrasing it exactly like you have…my aim is to tackle the issues and not offend people that are undeserving. I think a lot of innocent black women would take offense to labeling other black women “dragons”…you know what I mean? I’ll definitely bring it up though.

wow… excellent post, Zoc.

How about you, do you date white women, would you marry a white woman…. this is a profound topic, there should be more opinions, I wonder if the sisters like this point of view?

Yes, my fiance is white.

I’d love to get black women more involved in this topic. It’s a new site and it’s been slow at getting publicized. You’re more than welcome to circulate the article though!

are you really looking for opinions on this subject, or perhaps the opportunity to slay another gladiator in an effort to stack them under your soapbox?

if your position is so flawless, it seems “thou doth protest too much” (and too loudly, and too strident, and too long)

to many, this is a hurtful, sensitive subject. a constant reminder on lonely weekends. that means, no dates, no courtship, no fun, no phone calls, no engagements, no weddings, no relationships, no family. it is a crushingly serious subject to those who go through this experience. and the impact on our community is, and will continue to be, staggering.

so be firm in your own conviction–whatever that may be (oh raceless one). ride your wave. but for the rest of us, as lennon so profoundly said, let it be.

I’d like to first welcome you to the site and thank you for your comment. I certainly welcome opposing views, since this is essentially what this site is for: to discuss sensitive issues and hopefully make some sense of them.

Perhaps we should find out why this is such a sensitive subject.

Like I said in the post, I don’t believe anyone should refrain from dating someone based on the impact of the mate they didn’t choose. Saying black men shouldn’t date white women because of the impact it has on black women is pretty nonsensical to me. If there was something inherently wrong with dating white women, you may have a point, but there’s nothing wrong with finding someone you love of a different skin color.

Placing the responsibility on black men for black women’s loneliness is where our problems begin….not with black men and their less discriminatory taste in women. If you’re unhappy in your life, take some responsibility and stop blaming others for your condition.

If you have anything specific you’d like to discuss, please let me know. It just seems like you’re on the defense here rather than addressing the actual issue.

in response to your post (being careful not to slip on all this soap), it is a sensitive subject because it goes to the heart of all that matters: human relationships. to have women “take some responsibility and stop blaming others” is emotionless and indicative of a lack of perspective on the entire situation. it’s a matter, as native americans have said, of being able to “walk a mile in their moccasins”. there is a “distance”, a detachment, you portray which is, frankly, frightening.

it is short-sighted to believe that the impact is only being felt by black women. don’t diminish the perspective of young black males who are being brought up in less than stellar circumstances in a household with no male (black or otherwise). don’t think that young males of any race (yes, that hated word) are not culturally attuned to their fathers. the lack of one is devastating. you need to see someone who looks like you. i can only say to you, query someone who knows about the subject to determine how important it is.

in addition, the issue takes on significance because of the sheer numbers involved. if it were isolated, in the scheme of things, it just wouldn’t matter. most isolated things don’t. but when it threatens the very survival of a people–their place in history, their world standing, their own sense of self–you’ve got a situation of major proportions.

you seem very eager to defend your position, at the expense of “attacking” black women. especially when no defense is needed. do what you do. dance to the music, but pay the piper. black women will not always be the ones to extract payment, as you will soon find out, if you haven’t already. and don’t make the mistake that black women are the only ones with opinions on this issue. their reactions can be inocuous–a dirty look, at best.

and lastly, please note that far more dangerous and entrenched opinions are held by others. others that are far more powerful than a lonely black woman.

I don’t think asking people to take responsibility is emotionless at all. If I were a white man asking a freed black slave to accept responsibility for his circumstance, then that’s a situation that calls for some further understanding and compassion…..but black men are not the oppressing white men you make us out to be. Those that find non-black mates have done nothing wrong.

Yes, there is a bit of a situation here with black women and the shrinking pool of available black men. If you’d like to discuss a remedy to this issue, I’m willing and able, but I have a hard time understanding how black men should be implicated in any way.

By the way, you should take a look at my post Prison, cancer, and kids that don’t talk so good.

Overall, I’m confused what point you’re trying to make. I think you’re taking issue with me bringing this issue up AT ALL. Please understand that I’m not some preacher trying to convert people. I enjoy candid discussion that will allow us to better understand one another. If you would like to discuss this any further, I would be more than happy to create a discussion topic in my forum if you’re up to it. Please reply in the comments if you’re interested.

I am a black woman and I am thinking like the other person let it go, especially since your not even having to deal with it at this point.

since im here I may as well speak on it. I don’t date outside my race simply because I haven’t found a white guy or “other” that appeals to me as much as I would like. Its just something about the black man that turns me on how he spits game, how he dresses, how he walks and talks. I don’t care what other race you are it just doesn’t compare(for me). I wouldn’t go as far to blame black men for dating other races because I could do the same if I wanted to. since I chose not to the numbers aren’t always going to be in my favor for getting that good black man. I keep looking for him and if i get to a point like awww dang I just can’t look no more then i will consider dating outside of that right now guess what I’m good!!!

I have two opposing views on this.

Position A) There is only one race; Human. And we are all free. We all ave the right to the persuit of happiness, right? If black women are lonely sitting by a phone that does not ring, then they can pick up the phone and call some one! It’s not the responsibility of black men to make all the black women happy.

Position B) The only reason that a black guy can date a white woman, without getting lynched, is because the black ‘race’ banded together and fought for equality.

Mikki, I think the fact that the culture gap is so wide between black women and white men is why this is such a big issue for black women. It’s not necessarily anyone’s ‘fault’ that the gap is so large, but if more black women had more in common with white men, I doubt as many black women would care, since they would have a larger pool of men to choose from.

Brian, good stuff. That’s another thing I find interesting is that people fought for equality in the 50s and 60s, and now that we’re equal enough to marry one another, people are seemingly fighting for inequality again. You can’t preach equality and separation at the same time.

The fact that we are still so caught up this this separation of the races is a sad indictment of humanity.
I am a woman who happens to be included in the category of ‘black’ and from my perspective your race tells me very little about you as a person.
I don’t care what ‘colour’ you are – I’m more interested in your personality, whether or not you are sheep and follow the crowd and such things.
I have said this before, but the future history will look back on this period and view this era as the real dark ages. I wonder when people will wake up?
Zaki, I salute you for raising this topic and laying your cards so visibly on the table. Ignorance is rife and I’m glad you have chosen not to make it a feature of your life. Thanks to all those contributors who have chosen to remove the blinkers society has placed on the masses.
A really great site, Zaki. Hard work well done!

Thank you so much for your comment Zee. I think we’ll all eventually wake up, but it’s going to take people like ourselves to continue to the open dialog about these sort of topics. It’s a slow process, and I think we’ll naturally get there, but talking about it more just speeds up the process.

Zaki,
I have had a recent experience commenting on a blog by a black woman who feels she has, or so it seems to me, a duty to focus on black on black relationships. The tone of this site is so negative especially as this woman is ‘biracial’ (her description) with a white biological parent. Her premise is that black people having relationships outside her race can be classified as ‘denaturing’ themselves (the black people that is).
Her partner jumped to her defence and wrote a rather pointless, robust response to my dissenting comments and although I have a whole ream of words ready – I just cannot be bothered to waste another minute of my time! Time where I can be reading inspiring works, perusing other blogs, playing with my animals, enjoying the sunsets and just having fun!
Some people just won’t get it and as I am not searching for a ‘grouphug/lovefest’ from people on the web there comes a point where you just leave people to wallow in their unhappy ignorance.
Zaki, keep on writing. Keep on living your life for you. This is it, no other to come – so why not forget those who berate you for your choice of who to love.
Regards,
Zee.

As always, thanks for the kind words Zee! I’m getting to see more and more each day that most people are incredibly damaged and delusional. It’s a constant battle between our emotions and logic….and I think people like the ones you described above are incredibly emotional and refuse to logically deal with the absurdity of racial designations.

Not much we can do at this point outside of discussion and taking those trips to the beach so we don’t lose our minds

Ok, so I am a bit lit on this post. but I must comment:

It is odd how you say you don’t care about being Black. What do you consider yourself to be? I am sorry to have to be the barer of “bad” news (perhaps), but you are black, regardless of what you think you are, that is how you are seen. So not caring about being black seems to be more of a hinderance than anything. And you are probably right. That is what may exclude Black women from your “rolodex”. Black women, when with a man especially a Black man, will probably want just that. Being Black is so much more than a color, in fact, it is to me a political statement and culture more than anything else. But I digress. And why is it that to be with a white woman, you must not care about YOUR culture. There are white men that date black women and maintain their identity (there are those that don’t), and the same thing goes for Black women with white men. Anytime you feel the need to give up your being to be with someone, I think, calls for some serious introspection.

What culture do you share with white women? I am just curious.

Next, you dont think the black community exists? It is that sort of thinking that will surely be the demise of it. It is REAL. It exists. When you are like me, who is now far removed from any real black community (to no fault of my own), and you appreciate it for what is is and how it can shape you, you miss it. How can it not exist? There are communities for all ethnicities. And there should be. I am not the one who believes in being color-less. That’s a cop of. And I am someone who by pure definition, could be called “mulit-racial. But in my eyes, and the eyes of everyone, I am Black. I accept them, and I have no qualms with it. I would hope neither would anyone else.

And I think when folks say that you are “running away” from the community, they may mean just that. In a world where there are far more black women role models than black men for these young black boys, it hurts when our men leave. This is reality. I have plenty of girlfriends who are attractive, successful, beyond intelligent, and in certain places, black men won’t look twice at them. But let a woman of another face walk by, specifically white women, and they lose their minds. My friends are flabbergasted by this trend, and so am I. When this occurs, it seems to be a preference, not just ” I am attracted to a women”. It becomes “I am attracted to this type of woman.” which is fine But when questioned as to why that is the case, they struggle for an aswer.

We all should be aware of the history between black men and white women. This is why, some love them, and some black men won’t even be seen alone with one. This is reality. How we choose to deal with that history, is what separates these men.

This has nothing to with the strugle for equality, or with the ability of black women to date outside our race. Because trust me, I have personally done it, and had the opportunity to do so. It is about the symbolism of it. For instance, why is it that our men of power (excluding President Obama and some choice others), make it and then ditch their past black female counterparts, and date white women? What changes that makes them be able identify more with them? Is it the money or assumed prestige? The fact that having a white woman on your arm looks better than having a black woman in that same position? I have my own opinions on this, I would like to hear from those who fit that profile.

It should not be hard for a black man to understand how a black woman feels when he dates someone different. And to be honest, it goes both ways. Some black MUST comment when he sees a sister with someone else.

PS: another part of the struggle of the Civil Rights Era, one part that is surely overlooked, is the fight for us to be able to take pride openly in ourselves, in our culture, without having to conform to the Americanized, Euro-centric view of self. You will find this more with Malcolm X, H. Newton, and the Pan-Africanists.

Peace and Blessings.

One thing I must agree with, is your comment that women are more picky than men. lol I couldn’t agree more.

PS please don’t take my posts as an attack. I can get a little argumentative and over the top. I do appreciate your dialogue and look forward to subsequent posts.

Ok, so I’m back.

I have to disagree about this issue stemming from Black women and about us being obsessed with race. I don’t think wanting to be with a Black man is being obsessed with race. Some Black women may feel an obligation to Black men, that is not easily forfeited. Be it right or wrong, this makes it difficult to just turn their backs on them.

As for not being willing to date other men, that could be due to many reasons. The most obvious and probably the most relevant is the fact that some Black women aren’t attracted to other men, specifically White men. Or if they are, they are only attracted to a certain type, which renders the others non-existent.

I know this discussion has been dead for 2 months or so, but I felt compelled to respond. I’m a young black woman who’s grown up mostly around non-black people and considers herself open-minded, resolutely anti-racist and open to relationships with any man, regardless of race.

One criticism I have of this post, which was evident from the start was that it was overly simplistic and defensive. It was clear without you stating that you have been or are in a relationship with a white person, and that more than anything this post was almost like a justification for your relationship history. I’ve always been of the belief that no one needs to justify why they are in a relationship with someone of another race. Of course there are plenty of black men who aren’t attracted to black women or use offensive arguments to justify their attraction to white women. In my opinion, this post seemed like a polite version of the latter.

I think the problem is is that this post underestimated or under states the fact that peoples choices in all aspects of life (not just in the choice of partners) aren’t made in a vacuum. We are all enabled and restricted in the choices that we make by the world that we live in. In respect to the choices that black men and women make in life-partners I think the role of outside views of black men and women play a huge role. Particularly in respect to the attractiveness of black men and women. For one, I think society definately promotes messages that out of the two, black men are more attractive than black women, and we all grow up fully aware of it. A black man who is open to dating interracially will have more success at it than an equally attractive black woman who is equally open to the idea – simply because black women (or the average black woman who doesn’t have European facial features or hair) are not put forward as examples of attractiveness – or at least, not nearly as often as black men with “black” features are. Black women grow up seeing this and I think this knowledge plays a role in making many black women only want black men. Many do believe that in the society that we live in, only black men will ever truly appreciate our beauty (amongst other qualities that are more prevalent in black women).

A great comparison would be the experiences that Asian men vs. Asian women have when dating outside their race, particularly with whites. It is clear from many accounts and research that Asian men are no less open to dating and marrying white women than Asian women are to white men. The reason why Asian men date outside their race in such low numbers is primarily due to how white people view Asian men (I don`t need to go into the negative stereotypes, I`m sure we all know them). I think a similar thing is at play with black men and women.

Also, I would like to point out that just as you have grown up outside the “black community”, there are plenty of black girls who have too grown up outside the traditional “black community” and have grown up interacting with various non-black groups. The argument that that is why you (and by extension other black men) are more open to dating interracial is almost suggesting that that in itself is a reason why so many are open to dating interracially. If that is the case, why aren`t all these black girls doing the same? Believe me, it`s not because they’re not open to it. We are limited by non-black individual’s openness to dating black women. I don`t think black men face nearly the same struggle, as more white women are open to dating black men than white men are to dating black women. Also, lets not forget that as far more black women hold Bachelor degrees than black men, they too are far more likely to interact with white and other non-black men in their daily lives. I truly think that the argument that black women just aren`t open to dating interracially (even though the other black women on this site have conformed to this stereotype) is wiildly overblown. I’ve heard far more black women say they would like to date interracially, but don’t get any interest than black women say they are completely against dating interracially.

Finally, while I agree that if someone decides to shut themselves of from dating other races they shouldn’t get upset when men from their race decide to, I think the reason why many black women do get upset is because too many (not all) black men use the ‘there’s something wrong with black women’ argument to justify their interracial dating. That’s pretty harsh, and you’ll find that white women act in exactly the same way when significant numbers of white men suggest that their attraction to Asian women is due to them being more feminine than white women and ‘knowing how to treat a man’. Considering so many black men (again not all) like to use that argument (or at least are the most vocal) is inevitably going to leave black women feeling like their very existence is threatened by black men dating interracially. Really, it is many different factors coming in to play that have unfortunately left us at this point – and your post seemed to completely ignore the most significant ones.

Let me begin by saying I am a white male who is very dismayed by some of the comments I read above. I have been attracted to black women (and every other race of women) since I was old enough to be attracted to women. The sad part is that I grew up in a traditional Italian family (white women were accepted, but Italian was preference), and dating black women was just understood to be “wrong.” Now that I am an adult, I am independent enough to realize just how ignorant, hard-headed and oblivious that sentiment truly is. I am discouraged to see similar sentiments from people’s comments above.

We are America. We all live in the same country. I understand that black-Americans (I say black-American because you may be black and not a descendent of Africa) deal with a lot of stereotypes (more than MOST) throughout the course of their lives, but that really does not make it okay to respond with more racism. Yes, none of you may be willing to admit it, but there were some discouragingly racist statements above. I literally felt inspiration leaving me as I was reading some of them.

Okay, so black-Americans deal and have dealt with a lot of frustrating, and in some cases even inhumane, things throughout their history in this country. I bring this up for one reason, because I want to remind the black-American community that many others deal with stereo-types as well. I’m a short guy, and I GUARANTEE that I hear more slurs throughout the course of my day than any black folks with exception to the most vile, racist areas (West Virginia and others). What is my point? My point is that we all have to deal with adversity throughout our lives. A serious problem I see is that the black community has chosen to separate their adversity from all other adversity. What about overweight people? What about Native Americans (they have dealt with serious atrocities as well)? What about people who are just plain ugly? I think you get my point.

Don’t get me wrong, the segregation of the black communities in the inner-cities is a serious problem, and a terrible injustice in our society. This needs to be addressed immediately, but believe me, it will not get resolved until people of all colors unite as AMERICANS to fix this problem.

I campaigned for Barack Obama to be nominated as the Democratic nominee for President, and then subsequently President. All of his opponents were white men or a white female. Why did I choose to campaign hard for him? Because I felt he was the best INDIVIDUAL for the job. Now that he is the President, I feel as if we could not have found a better role model for AMERICANS of all colors. If I ever have a child one day, I will point to Barack Obama, and tell my child that he is a man to emulate in this world (after myself, of course:-P). His wife is classy, he is classy, and I could give a damn about the color of his skin.

I even defended the Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s insidious comments. I attempted to explain to the white community, which was generally appalled by his statements, that the perspective of a black-American who was raised in 1950s-1960s America is justifiably angry and permanently scarred from what he witnessed. But his generation fought for their rights, so that future generations could have their rights. The future generation has their rights, so for any of them to continue fighting, as if there is a reason to continue fighting, is racist. Should the black community be vigilant, of course, but why not focus your attention on guaranteeing freedom for ALL future generations of Americans.

Playing the victim card is terrible for the human spirit. I understand that there are victims in certain situations, but even in that case, playing that card will not lead to success.

I love when I see black men dating white women, black women dating white men (the “negative” stereotypes mentioned above are untrue and ridiculously absurd) and any other racially diverse couple.

A lot of white men are intimidated by black women. That doesn’t mean it is justified, but I am just keeping it real for all the black women out there. Some white men are not attracted to black women. The reasons for that are unknown to me, but I always assume it is racism, because for someone to say they are “not attracted” to a group of people is outright silly.

Let us just judge INDIVIDUALS.

I ask my black friends out there (male and female) to unite as AMERICANS. Only then will our racial wounds be healed. When we recognize that we all do share the same fate.

The black community may be surprised to hear some of the stories of suffering and adversity that many white folks have to face. I love black people, so do not misinterpret me. Possessing your own culture is great, but limiting yourself to your own culture is ignorant (and it is self-damaging in the long-run).

I hope no one misinterprets my comments. I am as fair as a human being can be. I hate dated more black women than white women. Most black women do not seem to be too judgmental of me.

I am discouraged by some of the racist remarks I have read. Not just in this post, but in many other posts on this website.

Zaki is a friend of mine. He treats me with the utmost respect, and I value the fact that I can speak my mind to him. He doesn’t misinterpret me, and I KNOW he never judges me by my color. So I suggest the people who attacked him for “preaching” and other various things should take a step back, because the guy is on the right track.

The election of Barack Obama proved that a black-America CAN ascend to the highest office of the land. That does not mean racism is over, believe me, I understand that, but it did prove that an individual can overcome event he most difficult adversities in our society.

“I hate dated more black women than white women. Most black women do not seem to be too judgmental of me.”

In that comment made above, the “I hate dated more black women….” was supposed to be “I have dated more black women.”

Hahahaha, an awkward typo.

what i dont understand is you often hear critique of black women whether constructive or not from black men who claim to be interested in women of other races. so why care about what the black woman is doing?? just the fact that the author has the need to post his topic about race is evidence that he has issues with his race. I don’t think I have ever read so so many posts by white women that critique about white men addressed to white men. But for black men who date non black women you can find many posts, videos, speeches, whatever. Maybe black women take offense because she constantly have to defend her very existence on the regular, and you black guys are so “in your face” with the fact that you have someone that is not a black woman in your arms. It sort of like Rosie O’Donnell’s “yes, I’m gay what are you going to do about it” mode versus Ellen’s coming out. Sometimes it’s how you say things that make people offended and most of the time black men with there interracial blog is usually pointing flaws at black women or how unworthy black women are compared to other races of women. That is unfair, and I wish for once black men knew what it felt like.

Mr. Zaki

Most black men who date non black women for some reason have to let it be known that they have a woman that is not black. I really find that peculiar because most of the nagging of these men are mostly directed to either black women or the black community as a whole or both. Believe it or not despite how many stares you claim you have because you have a snow bunny on your arms the black community as a whole is more accepting of different races into the family. I think you should direct your interracial speeches to that of the Caucasian community where generally it is not accepting to bring a black man to the family when you compare between the two races….. and God forbid if she is a black woman. The “why do black women have problems with me dating a woman of another race” is NOTHING NEW and kind of PLAYED OUT. Everybody knows that black men are attracted to women of other races and EVERYBODY knows that black men date/marry women of other races. If you ask me, it sounds as if you are rubbing it in as if its some prize piece that you chosen white meat instead of dark, it seems as if you want some sort of reaction from black women because of the decision you made. Well, I can tell you this if you keep nagging and dragging this issue on and on and on you are bound to get some negative post. And actually in a way, I think that is what you are looking for, so you can say “I told you so.” That said Mr. Zaki, again black men with nonblack women is becoming such a standard everyday relationship, it is starting to no longer raise an eyebrow anymore. Do you know what is not normal these days?? A black man with a black woman and they are head over heels in love with one another…